fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
