i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
