god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
