If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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