I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
