I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
