my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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