I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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