btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I AM VODKA MAN
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
