Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
