I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
