All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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