you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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