Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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