if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
