I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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