thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
