god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
