Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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