Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
