i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
