you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
