Sry I called you an 8
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
