Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
