matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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