I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
