Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
