Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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