I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize