Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
