we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
