im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
