God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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