you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
