i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
