what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
