i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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