Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
