dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You need Xanax blowdarts
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
