I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
