It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
