U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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