when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
