Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
