If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
