never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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