My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
