im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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