Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
