I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
